My Beautiful Angel..♥

This day 2 years ago , the world lost a beautiful woman and heaven gained way more than they know! That day only feels like yesterday and I can't believe two years have passed just like that. I will never, as long as I live, ever forget that day or that whole period of time. My whole world came crashing down I'll never forget any part of it. The moment I was told you were gone Nana was the worst moment of my life. I never felt so heartbroken or helpless in all my life and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anybody. It's only when I look back on it now I really have no idea how we all got through it.. but we did & I know you were there with us Nana helping us through everything. To have someone you're so close to just suddenly taken away from you just like the blink of an eye, is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. It's so hard to come to terms with and I don't think I'll ever truly be able to get my head around it fully. The one thing that really hit me hard and got to me a lot throughout it all was, I couldn't understand how people where going about their normal life and we were going through this crisis. I specifically remember the day we got to see you and I came out of the funeral home and I was waiting to cross the road and a truck went by and some guy looked at me and in my head I was like he has absolutely no idea what I'm going through right now. It was that moment I truly realized and reality really hit me that life goes on.. It was a harsh reality but it really is so true.

Things like this happen every single day of the week but it's only when it happens to you that you really understand and became more aware of it.  This day last year I planned on writing something like this but found it being too hard and I just couldn't do it, I had so much to say but couldn't write it out. This year, I feel I can and need to even more. In saying that though, writing now I feel I've so much I want to say and don't know how to say it! I pray to my Nana every single night and I just hope she can hear me! I light candles for her all the time right beside my bed in a 'Betty' candle holder I bought in Kerry. Every day of my life I think about you Nana and that's going to continue for as long as I live I can promise you that!! I'll keep repeating myself but I honestly can't believe it's been two years... Two years since I've seen you! How? Can't get my head around it only feels like yesterday you were here with us and I would honestly do anything in this world to have you back just to even seen you one more time, I'd give anything.. There's so many things I wish could say to you, if only I could. I wish heaven had a phone just so I could here your voice and talk to you even for a minute..

Nana, you were the kindest most loving person I know. You always thought of people, you prayed for everyone & you really were just an amazing person with the biggest heart. You went through so much yet never felt sorry for yourself and just got on with things, it was incredible to see. you're such a strong woman! I look up to you so much. I know you're up there looking down on us all smiling and probably thinking we're all a bunch of eejits haha. I have so so many memories that I cherish with you and they'll stay with me forever. As long as we can all talk about you, think about you, dedicate something to you, share things about you, all of that.. Once we can do that then you're legacy will live on forever Nana and I promise you I will always make sure that you are remembered. I have done and always will keep your legacy alive in the world as long as I can doing whatever it is I do to represent you in any way. As long as we all live and breathe, so will you because you are apart of us. Sure without you Nana I wouldn't be here so as long as I am here, part of you will always be here too! I remember every detail of you. I'll never forget the day I seen you for the last time, it was the toughest moment in my life and I can still remember it clear as day as if I was there now..

You looked absolutely beautiful and so so peaceful. It was such a sad time and there's tears rolling down my face as I write this but I was just so glad that you weren't in any pain. It was just your time and you went like anyone could only wish for.. Asleep in bed. I stood there looking at you waiting for you to just open your eyes but I knew it wouldn't happen and it was just so sad. If there's one thing I learned also, it's how strong my Mam is. She really is the strongest person I know & I'm so proud of her for everything she's been through. She's my rock and I genuinely would be lost without her I don't know what I'd do. I love you Mam you've no idea how much you mean to me! Along with that is my Auntie Liz, she's not only my Godmother but like a second Mam to me and I love her dearly. She too is one of the strongest people I know both herself and my Mam are a credit to my Nana in a million ways and I know my Nana would be so proud of them along with us all! We all miss you and today like any other anniversary, birthday or special day of yours is hard but we know you're safe up there. You're with Grandad, your own Mam, and any other person you've missed yourself and that's a great thing to know.. You're not alone.

Even when you were here you were never far from my mind no matter where I was. With you, I left a letter and the first broach I ever bought you and I pinned it on to you myself right where your heart is. That broach was of two hearts which I considered to be mine and yours. From what had happened, it finalized what I wanted as my first tattoo. I got the outline of that broach tattoo'd on my right wrist. Aswell, the second heart is shaped like a 'B' and that stands for your name 'Betty'. That tattoo is the most important part of me and it means more to me than anything else. People always ask me about it and I have no problem sharing the meaning behind it. My tattoo is for you Nana, it's meant for you. it's designed for you and it represents you and for me it's to show that no matter where I am in this world, who I'm with, you will always be with me! A lot has changed for me over the last two years in every aspect of my life. Between losing you, my mentality, losing friends, making changes, moving to Kerry on my own, making new friends, new relationship, coming home, new job, then other stuff you already know that's going on now. A lot has happened and it's been hard but I know I'm strong enough to go through these things. I hope you've been with me through it all Nana and I hope you're proud of the things I've done and am doing now. It's funny how day by day nothing seems to change, but when you look back everything is different.

 
I always in some way  have my way of writing to you whether it be on your birthday or Christmas or something like that. You may not be with us but you're just as important as you ever were and I'll always make sure to let that be known. Today is your day Nana, the sun is shining and it's shining for you! I hope you're up there in the clouds smiling and laughing you you always did because you face would brighten up anyone's day. I wish you could be with us but I know you are in some way. 

Today is and will be a sad day but we will all celebrate your life like we have been doing all along and will do our best to make you proud. We all love and miss you terribly each and every day and I know you know that. I love you more than anything in this world Nana and I would do anything to have you back but I know you're in a better place now and I just hope it's everything you believed in and wished for. Heaven really did gain an beautiful angel the day you left us and everybody knows that. Everyone misses you and two years have gone by too fast. Look after yourself up there Nana as I say to you every night and I promise I'll always do my best to make you proud with everything I do in my life. Watch over us all and keep us safe. We always think about you. I love you so so much Nana Betty. Forever and always in my heart wherever I am and wherever I go. Night night Nana, sleep tight. Sweetdreams forever. I'll love & miss you always. Love your granddaughter Laura. I Love You So Much. -BettyCarolan,5.1O.11 ♥ I'll never forget you. Xoxoxoxoxo

life.

2011  . . . 2012!

So it's the beginning of another new year... again. 2011 is a year I wont forget to say the least. Alot of changes happened in my life... I finished school, I made decisions, got knocked down & got back up, I got my first job, I made new friends, I concentrated on things, I lost one of the closest people to me & my family, my heart broke, I became stronger than I ever thought i could be, I told my friends a few home truths that no - one else had the guts to say & that caused friendships to slowly drift because that's what life does. I now see soo many things differently & have a better outlook on most things.

But, the thing with me is.... I don't hold grudges, I don't see the point in why people do. You have to accept people for what & who they are, what they do & what they say. I don't get why people stay bitter with others unless it's genuinely serious? Why?... 

I myself over the past few months have bin set on working & trying to keep my mind occupied to keep me going after everything that has happened over the past 3 months. I haven't wanted to do much with anyone & just wanted to be on my own, but it didn't always end up that way. But whether anyone realised it or not, that's all I wanted... was to be alone. I didn't want to be all smiley & feeling like I had to be okay, which I did most days... because I wasn't & I amen't.

Life goes on no matter what happens in your life, & it has taken for something tragic to happen in my family for me to truly realise that... because I couldn't get past it for a good while afterwards, I couldn't believe it. But, it happens every single day in the world.. & that's the sad thing.!

I have changed & grew up in the last few months. I have grown up & I appreciate everything so much more than I ever did. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything that has happened with me & my family has made us stronger & closer. I believe that what happened between myself & my friends... was meant to happen. People bitch, people argue, people don't always tell the truth, & people talk about others.

I do? You do? We all do.

We do because nobody's perfect & everyone has their days.. it's natural & there's nothing wrong with it!

I just don't like two-faced-ness & that's what my problem was at the time. I got fed up seeing & hearing things so decided I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I said what was on my mind & that was that. Somehow, everyone agreed with me... but nothing changed. Same shit happened, things were said to all the wrong people except the person it should have been mentioned to. More bitching, more shite! Drama.

With everything going on with me at the time, I just couldn't take anymore.. I had enough on my plate as it was & didn't need that crap. To me it was pathetic & childish shit that should have bin sort out a lonnnnnng time ago! That's what my whole point was about.

Time has passed & it is now the 1.1.12. 

I may be the only one who feels this way, but like I said I don't hold grudges & I don't see the point in not speaking to people over things that can't be resolved. Which is why I have still over all this time have never not spoke or avoided anyone. I don't have a reason to? Others seem to think so though and seem bitter which I don't get? But that's that.

I have had the reality - check to cop on that life is too short & can be taken away at any moment in time in the blink of an eye & that there's things you will never get back. 

So this is the beginning of a new year & every year, people say "new year new me" which lasts about 3 days & then everything stays the same haha. All I'm going to do is apologise for anything I have ever said or done that may have hurt someone in any way, do my best to make my Nana proud every single day, live my life the way I want to & spend my time with my friends & family  and hopefully have the same in return. But, I'll never stop being me... I'll always speak my mind, I'll always have my own opinion, I'll always hate drama, & I'll always try make things right. That's just me like it or not. 

So here's to the new year & I hope everyone has a better one than 2011. We all can have one with a bit of effort. Make the most of your life & don't do something if you don't want to! At the end of the day, it's your life. Do what makes you happy & say how you feel. 

May you all have a safe & healthy year ahead & I wish you all the best. ♥

quotes.

I think it is reasonably safe to say that I live by quotes. Well, not literally obviously but they really give insight by any I ever mention, tweet or say into the way I think / feel / what's on my mind or what I believe. So ehhh..... yeah! haha

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"What you put up with you end up with. You can only expect what you accept from people."

"If you did not see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind & share it with your big mouth."

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

"Want my respect? Prove that you're worth it."

"Instead of being fake, be yourself. Someone will hate you either way."

"The best thing about the worst parts of your life, is that you get to see the true colors of everyone you cared for"

"When people cut you down or talk behind your back, remember, they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you."

"Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes."

"i am responisble for what i say. I am not responsible for what you understand."

"Everyone has a mission on earth; you may discover it late in life, but rest assured you will find it just in time."

"As long as you're alive you have a chance to make your situation better. Make the choice to succeed."

"There is nothing to hold you back except you."

"Sometimes the best way to to solve a problem is to just stop caring."

"Head up, stay strong, fake a smile and move on."

"When people judge and criticize you, just remember it says nothing about you and everything about them."

"She’s got a smile on her face and a ‘screw you’ attitude because from this day on she’s living for herself."

"Emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, I feel dead. Physically, I smile."

"If you can do it, then you can own up to it as well."

_______________________________________________


Yeahhhhh..... I love quotes!

random questions.

Honestly, do you enjoy drama?
no?

Do you call anybody by their last name?
no I do not

Whats better high heels or flat shoes?
flats for comfort, heels for nights out

Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

Prefer light or dark haired guys?
dark

Do you like your life right now?
...

IN A BOY:

Whats the nicest thing they could do for you?
it's not for me to say, it's for them to do

Whats the worst thing they could do to you?
same as above ^

Do you like arguing with the boy you like?
yeah , sure who doesn't right? , obv not?

RANDOMS:

Your boy bestfriend tells you he likes you ?
yes?

In a relationship with the last boy you kissed?
i am :}

Ever seen someone you knew and avoided them?
sure have

On average what do you cry about most?
things that make me sad / frustrated or annoyed

Can bestfriends be replaced?
you cant replace people, you can just move on from things

Last person you had a deep conversation with?
my mam & aunty liz ♥

Last person you cried infront of?
my mam & dad .

What are you listening to?
the tele

What would you do if a bird flew through your window right now?
be amazed because the window is closed xD

You got an F on the most important test of the year?
end of the world!

Texting became illegal?
well obviously my life would be over?

You had to run around blind folded all day?
I'd clearly end up covered in bruises

A hobo was standing in your backyard?
set the tobster on him xD

You woke up and was a different person?
well..... that would be quite funnay!

Someone came through your window right now?
ask them to get the remote because this crap that's on the tele is shite wtf!

Music was banned from ever being listened to again?
clearly just whip out my ipod & sort that shit out!

Your Mom/Dad read your texts?
why would they xD

Describe how you feel right now in one word?
meh

What's the number one thing you want in life right now?
my nana back....♥

who's the last person you had a sleep over with?
niamh

who let you down most in your life?
ahh no - one majorly

where do you go if your locked out of your house?
I never get locked out really? I have my own key haha

what you do before you go to sleep?
think.

do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
night time

do you say sorry first?
if I'm in the wrong yes of corse

do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
depends how tired i am & what's on my mind

are you wearing shorts?
can't say I am no

what was the last movie you watched? With who?
home alone with me, myself & I

did anything make you happy today?
little bubbles :} ♥

How did you get one of your scars?
don't have any thankfully

Are you allergic to anything?
not that I am aware of

Do you remember the first time you met the last person you kissed?
yes I do ♥

Do you always answer your texts?
nope

How do you feel about gay marriage?
exactly the same way as I feel about any other marriage? acceptably normal.


Who was your last missed call from?
my brother ♥

Do you hate being alone?
no

Do you get along with girls?
yes & no. depends on the girl

Who brings out the worst in you?
nobody

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
yes

Do you dance in the car?
yayaaa

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
yes

Hows your life lately?
pretty shitty in my opinion

What are you looking forward to?
don't know really

Is it okay to date a friends ex?
not in my opinion no.

Someone trips in front of you-what do you do?
obv laugh then feel bad

Who's the last person you messaged?
niamh

Want any tatoos/peircings?
yes! :}

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
my mammy

Do you currently have a hickey?
no, I'm actually not a knacker ?

Ever talked on the phone until u fel asleep?
yepp

In February were you in a relationship?
yes I was

Are you currently frustrated with someone?
not at the moment, I couldn't be bothered

Can you play pool?
yeah :}

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
wouldn't know

Do you like hugs?
yes

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
nope

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
not seriously no

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
I don't have secrets

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
yup

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
I'm sure they very well have

Do you regret anything?
there's no point regretting anything, it doesn't or wont change the fact that it happened

.....

I'd give up everything to have you back. I'm fed up :{ I'll never get over it, any time I think of you I cry or have to stop myself from cryin if im in work or something. Life is an absolute bitch! I'm sick of people & the way they go on, how they treat people an their fuckin attitude. I hate seeing the people I'm closest to upset. I'd do anything to make my mam happy, just to have her smile! There's always something! Fuck sake. Don't care how much I'm cursing or whatever, I just don't care. Tryin to "get on with things" is something I hate. Things are just getting too much. Have ya ever just wanted to stop everything and just forget the world.... I have. People can go and fuck right off to be quite honest. People talking to ya like you're nothin & can't do fuck all. Arseholes! People literally just have no idea or simply just do not seem to care how they make other people feel. I know plentttty of people who genuinely just do not give a shit about other people and I have no time for pricks like that anymore. Two faced little shits. "Friends" being fake little dramatic lying ticks talking shit about each other behind each others back... not being able to realise the bitchiness of the ones they are closest too. The one they consider and THINK is their bestfriend actually claiming to the rest they can't stand the person yet to the persons face they are the biggest arse licker imaginable. Yeah, real friendship that is! :| If only you knew.... Open your eyes enough to actually cop on to what is actually going on when you're not around, You've already had a taste of it :/ If I was a bitch I'd fuckin say it to them but I know how much it would hurt & I just couldn't do that to someone. I have a heart unlike a lot of people. I actually care. Fuck the lot of yas. Sick & tired. Feel worn out, fed up, sad & alone even though I'm not alone. But in my mind I am. It's hard to be positive when you feel like you're life has fallen apart in your head. I can smile to people but inside I'm not. Fuck sake.....FML. I miss & love you so much nana, please please come back to us :(

amen.

my angel.

Last night, a true angel was taken away from me & my family & was sent to heaven. This is my Nana Betty & me on the day of my debs not so long ago... & today, was no doubt the worst day of my entire life! Today, I found out that my beautiful Nana had past away. I have never.. ever..EVER.. felt so sad & helpless in all my life. I couldn't, cannot & don't think I'll ever get over it. I honestly can't believe it. I was soo close to my Nana & to have her just taken away from me is the most horrible feeling in the world. I can only imagine how my Mam & everyone else feels. I know myself that I genuinely do not know what I would do without my Mam, I can't even imagine it so I feel so sad for mine as she has just lost her own. I just can't help but cry while I'm writing this because it's just so sad. :{ Like myself & my Mam are bestfriends, she was the exact same with my Nana too. So I just feel horrible because I can only imagine how she feels inside :{ I loved my Nana with all my heart & she knows that herself. I find it so hard to get my head around the fact that I now won't ever be able to give her a hug & kiss again.... or see her again. It's so horrible! :{ She is & was one of the nicest & kindest people I have ever met. She thought of everyone before herself & always wanted to make sure everyone was okay. My Nana was a firm believer in God & all that jazz & I know she'd probably kill me for going "God this & God that" but in saying that...... Nana, you believe in God, but I believe in YOU. You'll be up there hi-five'n with God now, but when it comes down to it from now on.. You're the only one I'll be praying to.You're the one I believe in. I love you. Down in my Nana's today with everyone, & in my mind I was literally just waiting for you Nana to pop into the kitchen going "ahh what's goin' on!" or your famous words... "ahh feck off! :}".

Going into the back room and all thinking you'd be in there watchin The Weakest Link or Eggheads like you normally do & like I always do, just sit down beside ya giving you a hug & cuddling in beside ya watching the tele with you. Or, waiting for you to call me in like ya only start doing since ya got that funky little hat.. & me going into ya going "yeah? :}" & you'd be smiling & lit up like I don't know what going " Do ya like my hat? :D " or " Loooook! :D " being all delighted with yourself haha :} . I'd think it was the cutest thing everrrrr! :} I sat down with your hat on my lap today Nana just thinking of you, staring at nothing not knowing what to feel other than feeling empty. You lit up a room when you smiled. Not having you there today was awful. It was very strange for us all not to have you around. It was so weird. I was thinking of you every second or every minute. You were loved by everyone & were always so warm & welcoming. What are we going to do without ya Nana?.... Nobody can believe it. It's the biggest shock in the world & nobody expected it this soon. God obviously missed you & wanted you up living the life with him I guess. The cheeky git, she's ours! What ya doin' taken her away for?, sheesh! But, atleast now you're re-united & safe & sound up with Grandad John. I'd say he's frickin delighted to have his beautiful wife back at last. Result for Grandad! :}

I know that you yourself will be so happy because we all knew how much you love & missed him. I just wish I got the chance to meet my Grandad John because I've heard nothing but great words about him & his kindness off everyone including yourself over the years. Give him a kiss from me Nana & let him know I love him too :} Please God you're in a great place now & never have to worry about anything again. Nothing or nobody can ever or will ever replace you & I hope you know that. I love how I never used to be able to go away on holiday without making it my business to always find and buy you a gorgeous broach because I knew you loved them. Without fail, your broach was the only present I couldn't leave without getting & I'd always go on a proper broach hunt looking for the perfect one like the big spa I am. But, I knew you loved them, I knew they made you happy so how could I not.. you know? :} Coming home, & heading down to your's when I'd be home & giving you your present would be the best feeling in the world because I knew you appreciated it so much & it made you so happy & smiley :} Best money I've ever spent! One film that without a doubt will always remind me of you is "Calamity Jane". I remember years ago me & you sat and watched that film one night, you telling me all about it & getting all excited before we turned it on. Then singing along to all the songs being the big fan that you were haha :} I loved it & surprisingly ended up really enjoying the film which seemed to be an oldey but goody xD Thank you for showing me that! :}

You were such a caring person & always remembered everything, even the smallest things. That's just one of the many things I loved about you. I wish this never happened & never had to happen. You are one of a kind Nana! Now you won't miss a thing, you can watch over all of us always no matter what, when & where and be a little spy over all our lives to keep us all in order, haha :} You will be the star in the sky that I look up to from now on & I'll know you'll always be looking down on me & in a way that's an amazing & great feeling to simply just know that. I'll always look up to you Nana. I'll pray & talk to you always. I know I'll never be lonely anymore because I'll have you by my side. It's the same the other way around... If you ever need me, just give me a sign.. no matter what it'll be just make sure I'll be able to cop on to it, you know me! hahaha xD but I'll always be here for you too. I am so so grateful to have had someone like you in my life. You're amazing! Thank you SO much for every single little thing you have ever done for me in my entire life. I am so proud to be able to call you MY Nana. Knowing you, you're up in heaven worrying about your hair & how it's not done & how you weren't prepared for this haha :}

Please take care of us all Nana, I know you will anyways that goes without saying. Mind us & keep us safe like you are :} You are an incredible person & someoone I highly respect & always have done. I hope you're proud of me & can watch down on my now in the future throughtout my life & whip me into shape if I ever do anything wrong & help me through everything that comes my way.I'll always try to make you proud & hopefully make you smile up in the clouds :} Please mind everyone up above also & keep them close, you're not alone. :} We will all be down here looking up to you from this day forward Nana doing you proud. I hope you're not too busy socialising & yapping away to everyone high in the sky, haha :} I will never forget you & all of our memories as long as I live & I'm sure that goes without saying for everyone else too. You're an amazing person to know & have bin around. Thank you for being my Nana. I couldn't have asked for anyone better! :} I genuinely cannot believe you're gone & that I'm never gonna be able to say to my Mam " Here, can we head down to Nana's for a while I haven't seen her ina week!!!! " anymore....... :{:{

Why did you have to go? :{:{ It's not fair, life's a bitch :{ None of us would have ever have seen this coming so soon. It's the biggest shock of my life & I hate it! :{ I wish you were here. I wish you never had to go. :{ But... I guess everyone has their time & God became selfish & wanted you back.. not that i blame him. I'd want you back too.... like I do :{ I can't stop thinking about you, just want to see you now :{ I'm literally gonna write this whole thing out again on paper especially for you Nana & I'll put it right in beside you while you sleep tight forever. It's for you & you only so keep it close because I mean ever single word of it. You are the greatest Nana in the world & God couldn't have chose anyone better! I love you sooo soo much Nana, more than you will ever know. I can't get my head around this. It's horrible. I would literally give up everything & anything to have you back. :{..... Please come back? :{ , Just like you are doing in these final pictures Nana, always keep your arms around me.. now & forever. I'll keep you with me close no matter what & you'll always be in my heart & on my mind. Mind yourself up there & take care. This has bin the saddest time of my life & I hate every minute of it! & I know I'm not the only one. You are one woman who is loved by so many. We all love you so much Nana. Thank you for always being you & never changing who you were. You've gone through so much throughout your life & are by far one of the strongest people I know. Your a fighter & I admire you more than you know for that! Help us get through this time & cope Nana. There is no one in the world like you. I will NEVER forget you Nana.

I hope you like this because I wrote it for you. & I know you're probably right beside me watching me going " Laura, what are ya putting that in for, ahh for God's sake! xD " & I hope you are, hehe :} Thank you for being born then having my mam which led to having me which then entered me into the family therefore being able to have you in my life!!! :} Now look, ya have me gettin' all cheesey, eeeeew! Haha xD But, no I really mean it. ThankYou.! I love you with all my heart Nana. Forever & Always. May you rest in peace & have a great time up above with Grandad & everyone else from now on. I hope it's everything you ever dreamed of. I know it will be. You were always a believer. Night night Nana, sleep tight. Sweetdreams forever. I'll love & miss you always. Love your granddaughter Laura. I Love You So Much. -BettyCarolan,5.1O.11 ♥ <333